A long long time ago at a Hollywood arrangement Me and thee got drunk on wine and met Jason Statham We hit it off immediately at the party hosted by Jet Li We stayed up late, till half past three, singing songs and eating cheese And that’s when Jason said to we, let’s form a band, it’s just us three We’ll make big in rock and roll and be the next PJ & Duncan We signed the deal and we took the cash and God knows can you blame us Cos we’d suck all kinds of Hollywood cock if it meant that we’d be famous Cos we were once in a band with Jason Statham It sounds made up but it’s not - how dare you! We swear it’s true, don’t google it And take us at our word And if we weren’t in a band with Jason Statham What would we have to gain? Nothing! It’s so out there, it’s believable And so we think you should apologise And so we took the band out, on the road, playing to packed out stadiums You should have seen the toll that it was taking on Jason Statham The whores, the drugs, the alcohol, the parties so luxurious Were all too much for Jason Statham who played it fast and furious And one night after a show in Preston, we sat him down for an intervention Come on Jason Statham, you big bald bastard you Your offstage antics can’t continue and if they do, we’ll have an issue And that’s when Jason Statham threw the TV out the window And so we ditched J off cause he’s outrageous After an awkward conversation And came back stronger as a two-man comedy band And so we changed our name by legal means Became the Masters of the Scene And now we rock your pants off in some shitty local pubs Cos we were once in a band with Jason Statham This is important information We’re gonna do a call back later on So I hope that you’re taking notes And you bet your ass we’ll namedrop Jason Statham Twice in every single conversation We’re not so proud that we won’t sell out We’ll do anything to get applause So let’s get ready ready Let’s get ready ready Let’s get ready to sell out Let’s get ready ready Let’s get ready ready Let’s get ready to sell out Let’s get ready ready Let’s get ready ready Let’s get ready to sell out Watch us wreck your night Watch us wreck your night Watch us wreck your night Psyche!

Down in the Wheatsheaf Friday night I’m in a good mood Downing pints Shots of tequila Salt and lime Oh I’m gonna get fucked tonight Me and my ladies Celebrate Nights off from the kids Like a holiday Fill up my glass with a chardonnay Oh I’m gonna get fucked tonight Yeah we’re gonna get fucked tonight Dancefloor calls, I’m moving in I don’t wait for the music to begin I’m off my face and I need your assistance So I pick you up and go back to mine And I fumble round of your pantyline And that’s where I come up against resistance Dry Vagina Drier than dry weetabix Or all the tea in China Dry Vagina Drier than Australia Or one of Jimmy Carr’s one-liners Now I don’t usually go for girls Who are twice my age And they’ve seen the world Must be something ‘bout the way you hurled Into my toilet bowl Yeah, that’s my bad I must admit I might be drunk but I’m into it But let’s keep a bucket at the side of the bed And give it another try Yeah, let’s give it another try You didn’t take me to nirvana My cunt’s still dry like the Sahara It’s not like you look anything like Hugh Jackman Well I must admit I’m kinda lost So I popped my thumb on your exhaust Did I tell you that I was a huge ass man? Dry Vagina Drier than three day old toast Or a really dry white wine, yeah Dry Vagina Drier than the fields of Mars Cos they haven’t found water there either Holy shit I just remembered That I bought some lube in December Some own brand lube from Poundstretcher So pop the lid and squirt that shit Let’s get right back down to it It’s time to stop now and withdraw Cos my twat feels like it’s filled with thorns I’m leaking something milky on the bedspread It’s getting itchy in my poon And I’m swelling up like a big balloon Take me down to A&E, you dickhead Oh yeah, I’m sorry, I’ll call an ambulance Swollen vagina Never buy your lubrication From a substandard supplier Swollen vagina Must be an allergic reaction Cos it feels like our genitals are on fire Swollen vagina Swollen vagina Swollen vagina

Although our marriage ain’t on the rocks I can’t help think about other men’s cocks Huge uncut dicks and small circumcised ones The ones that bend a little bit and ones that look like kumquats All live long day I can’t help but daydream All I see are schlongs while watching repeats of The A-Team Hannibal Smith and BA Baracus Have been replaced in my mind with a dick and hairy knackers And as they fly in slow motion A thought became an idea and turned into a notion Open relationship When you’re tired of just one dick Open relationship My vagina’s open for business Open relationship We’re doing it now before we have some kids Open relationship All our friends don’t know what to think I ventured forth on my great adventure But it is only right that you should have the same pleasure Every other Friday, I’d hunt for man meat And you’d be free to bang whichever skank you’d take a fancy I’d swipe on Tinder, I’d swipe on Bumble As long as I could orgasm, through clit or vag or bumhole And in the morning we compare notes over biscuits How is it that I’m at three and you’re in double digits? I can’t even give it away But somehow you’re balls deep in multiple v-jay-jays Open relationship Fuck’s sake - how are you better at this? Open relationship When I’m the one with banging tits Open relationship I fucked a homeless guy under a bridge Open relationship Just bring our numbers equal-ish Who could have predicted this? Almost everybody did Who could have predicted this? Almost everybody did Who could have predicted this? Are you even listening? Who could have predicted this? Open relationship And now we’re heading to divorce I’m taking everything, of course I let my dog shit in your Porsche There is a line that does not rhyme

My momma always told me When I was just a girl You need know to the basics Just to navigate this world Don’t accept a drink from a stranger Wear matching bra and pants Keep a spare pair in your handbag Just in case you piss yourself But there’s one piece of advice That has always stuck with me Advice so universal Everyone knows what I mean And I hear my momma’s words Still ringing in my ears Wipe your arse, front to back Front to back, front to back Wipe your arse Front to back, front to back Wipe your arse, front to back Front to back, front to back Wipe your arse Front to back, front to back Now every Sunday evening My momma calls my phone Asks me “Have you got a boyfriend yet? No wonder you’re alone Because you never listened to me When you were just 16 You got that urinary tract infection And it burns you when you pee” A course of antibiotics Cleared everything right up No more burning sensation And no more itchy muff But I still hear my old momma’s words Saying that’s not enough Wipe your arse front to back Front to back, front to back Wipe your arse Front to back, front to back Wipe your arse, front to back Front to back, front to back Wipe your arse Front to back, front to back Now I never told my mum this But she’s bound to find it out I always followed her advice I wipe from north to south But I picked up the infection After the anal sex With my lover of two years He’s got a new Mercedes Benz Cos in the heat of the moment It’s not hard to get confused One hole feels like the other If your arsehole’s been abused And I hear my momma’s words When your dick touches my poo He double dipped me, back to front, Back to front, back to front He double dipped me Back to front, back to front He double dipped me, back to front Back to front, back to front He double dipped me Back to front, back to front

I’ve got a brand new hair Peeking out of my underwear Don’t think it was there before And if it was I must have missed it Just a sign I’m getting old Crossing over the senior threshold And all my best days are dead and gone And God forbid I dismiss a… White pube White pube White pube Bright white herald of my twilight years White pube White pube White pube I wish to God that you would just disappear, yeah Remember back when we were young We used to fall in love with everyone Had a huge bush of dark and curlies And twice a day I would brush it But here we are in this day and age Barely getting by on minimum wage Just hoping and praying that when you go down You don’t come eye to eye with a… White pube (White pube) White pube (White pube) White pube (White pube) Tryin’ a pass myself off as twenty two White pube (You don’t look twenty-two) White pube (Nowhere near twenty-two) White pube (Probably more like forty-two) Don’t worry about it, age is just a number. And though I’m old enough to date your mum (Date my mum) It doesn’t mean that we can’t have some fun (Incestous fun) I don’t think that I am breaking any laws (Breaking any laws) But I’m too old to be waking up in student halls I’m too old to be waking up in student halls White pube (He’s got a white pube) White pube (In fact I think I saw two) White pube (Your bush looks like Pepe Le Pew) Don’t laugh, cos someday you’ll have a white pube too White pube (I’ll never have a white pube) White pube (How very dare you!) White pube (And if I did, I know just what I’d do) One day soon I’m gonna shave it all One day soon I’m gonna shave it all One day soon I’m gonna shave it all White pube

There’s nothing worse than fans They touch you with their hands And everyone single one of them is a fruitcake They go to see the bands Take photos for the ‘gram Through fingers and thumbs bent into a heart shape And after every show When we pack up to go There’s always one guy who tries to accost us He says I loved your set I play a bit myself And we just stare at him, looking quite nonplussed What do you want from us? Are you looking for approval? If we checked your browser history Would we find dead body removal? They look us in the eyes And mouth out every line I’m sure I saw that guy outside my house once Don’t follow us at night Police have been advised Last guy who stalked us, I think he got 12 months Yeah it’s those fans we hate But not you guys, you’re great You should have seen all the scumbags from last night A bunch of reprobates Some couples on first dates And so we thought we would give them some advice What do you want from this? Just a shag or a deep commitment I think that Masters of the Scene can help you In the bedroom with your dry vagina In the bedroom with your dry vagina In the bedroom with your dry vagina Dry vagina Dry vagina Dry vagina And who’s that? Sitting at the back Looking inconspicuous Wearing a baseball cap I think that He isn’t a real fan We haven’t seen him clap at all And we deserve it by default So stand up, good sir Show us who you were Gareth, shine the spotlight Onto the saboteur Oh my I do declare Bless our very derriere We haven’t seen that face at all in almost half a year It’s Jason Statham Come to embrace us Express his regret at the way That he betrayed us I think that It’s really gracious Of you to come here despite the fact that you haven’t paid us Jason Statham Head freshly shaven Let’s hug it out and we can have a unification But what is this? Cowardice? We thought we could reminisce We didn’t know you had a gun Put it away, you’ll hurt someone You know you’re not just anyone Poor Beth is carrying your son There’s nothing worse than fans