You and I are best friends Best friends till the end of this song And we’ll always be best friends As long as we keep singing The best friend song Remember when we started a small business Selling alcohol to babies Remember when we got drunk and ruined Christmas I got my tits out in a Sainsbury’s Remember all the things we did Like when we tried to buy that Albanian kid It was lucky for us that we got outbid And he went to a paedo ring in Blackburn You and I are best friends There’s really no-one else on who I can depend And if everyone I know is murdered Yours is the only death that I would avenge Cos best friends are there for you in a crisis Like an overdose on heroin And best friends support you when you join ISIS My bestie is a terrorist Yeah, best friends do what best friends do Like when they have to go a steal a kidney or two From a homeless man or nearby zoo Would anybody like to buy a kidney from a zebra We’re best friends We’re best friends We’re best friends We’re best friends until the end You and I are best friends Providing you with an alibi in court And best friends will help their best friends Checking each other’s buttholes for anal warts Cos best friends will help you abduct a rich kid And send his fingers in the mail Best friends help you when you become addicted To daddy/daughter incest porn Yeah best friends are worth their weight And they pretend to be your girlfriend to prove that you’re straight They will visit you in jail, bring a file in a cake But god forbid that they should ever make a mistake We’re best friends We’re best friends We’re best friends We’re best friends until the end

My Auntie Jo is anti-vax She blames all her problems on “the blacks” And I think that she thinks that the world is flat But that’s ok, that’s ok ‘cause she got a hot tub And in the hot tub You’ll be basking in other people soup In the hot tub If you don’t get in, you’ll be ostracised from the group Cos in the hot tub All your dreams come true Amongst the trace amounts of poo And your immune system will never be the same In the hot tub Your body’s hot Your head is freezing cold In the hot tub There’s a dead fox And several strains of mould In the hot tub Everybody hints An orgy’s in the offering But no-one has the guts to say it out loud Oh Auntie Jo Your opinions are problematic Your racist views On Jews are bordering on Jurassic But every time you spout your rhetoric We just pipe up, Jo get a grip And switch on your outdoor jacuzzi Let your tits hang low and droopy We’ll let slide that you’re a nutcase Lest we should open the floodgates And you start a rant vilifying transgender people Cos in your family There’s always one That you don’t talk about Not a black sheep But the one who wants to kick the black sheep out And sharing Facebook posts from Britain First Are concrete proof that you’re the worst And while we’re at it, there’s no such thing as chemtrails And every Christmas After too much wine You’ll get on your soapbox And give a lecture on how gender Should boil down to cunts and cocks But in the hot tub It’s like being rimmed When you aim the jets onto your ring And oh my god I don’t know what to do about it! It’s an ethical nightmare! Cos in society We probably should stamp out racist speech But every right wing politician Uses it as policy And why do we just make excuses For the blatantly abusive When we share genetic juices And they probably they have their uses And if Hitler had a hot tub Would we decry this nut job Or would we just go round to his house And sit in that hot tub Yeah we probably would That’s right

We’re thinking of having a gangbang Yeah, we’re thinking of doing it soon Yeah, we’re thinking of having a gangbang So we wrote a little gangbang tune IT’S THIS ONE! We’re planning on having a gangbang All our wildest dreams come true There’s nothing weird about having a gangbang But there’s only us two Oh yeah, we’re short a few There’s only one pussy And only one dick We’ve only two titties To throw into the mix So we think that maybe we should start recruiting some more We’re taking applications at the door We’re taking names down to be in the gangbang Only beautiful people allowed Not just anyone can be in the gangbang So sign up now You better beat the crowd Oh well, I really hope lots of people join up for the gangbang - sounds like it’s gonna be really good Erm, I think we’ve got some sandwiches - for afterwards, which is quite nice - and some crisps. Any Doritos? No, no Doritos We won’t take just anyone You’ve got to measure up Attend a weekly meeting Make sure you can really fuck And if you can refer your friends Then you’ll get a reward A toaster! But if you’re worried about diseases We’ll make sure that we’re clean You’ll have to take a medical And everyone will be screened We’ll keep your data private Our records will be sealed And none of it will ever be revealed No-one will find out Our secret pact We’ll wear disguises When we perform the act And afterwards we’ll dine Upon the finest snacks Wearing masks After making the beast with twelve backs Ok, let’s have a look at the sign up sheet here, well, we have two names on there That’s not so bad… four of us… Well, the two on the list are you and me Oh right - yeah No-one signed up to be in the gangbang There’s only me and you on the list So if there’s nobody to be in the gangbang I guess that we should give it a miss Right? Yeah yeah I guess that we should give it a miss Well, should we? That’s right I guess that we should give it a miss Yes we definitely should

(Friday night) The kids won’t go to bed They’re running rings around my head And so I’m drinking the leftovers of a red (Friday night) I know it’s Friday night You didn’t have to sing it twice Thank God the budget plonk is saving my night But they’re driving me mad Why don’t they just go to sleep (A woman’s work is never done) I bribe them with sweets I let them watch the TV Until they finally fall asleep And I’m left here on my own (All alone) I finish all the jobs to do The washing up and ironing too Everything is fun when you add some booze (All alone) No man around to take the slack Who needs a man though, who needs that? Well maybe just in the sack It’s been this way Since their daddy up and left (Actually you kicked him out) Well, he ain’t worth shit He’s got a tiny dick And now I sleep alone at night And in my dreams (In her dreams) A rider comes upon a fiery steed (A horse on fire) To wash away the sorrow and the tears (How would you even ride it?) He rips off my dress (That’s poor workmanship) Exposing both my womanly breasts (The right one and the left) Well the best that I’ve ever had (That’s not saying much) But it’s McLovin from Superbad (Well who am I to judge) Oh it’s McLovin from Superbad McLovin from Superbad - ugh (fake repulsion) Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to dedicate this song to the patron saint of bored housewives everywhere, the amazing Bonnie Tyler, in the hope she doesn’t sue us for ripping off, not one, but two of her songs (Horny now) I reach under the bed And pull out my purple friend Only to find the batteries are dead (So horny now) Where are the triple A’s I haven’t come at all for days I need to fiddle all my troubles away But for the life of me I can’t explain how he got in my head (Perhaps the cheese you ate in bed) Yeah that must be it The mystery was short-lived And there’s nothing wrong about this crush Woah x 3 Nothing wrong about this crush It’s only my subconscious Pulling out a face I saw once So there’s nothing wrong Nothing wrong about this crush on... McLovin from Superbad (Oh what’s his real name?) It’s Christopher Mintz-Plasse (I bet you googled him) He was also in Kick-Ass (Yes, he was good in that) And in the sequel Kick Ass 2 (Kick Ass 2) I must admit that it was quite good (Look at you giving in) But he’s hardly a super stud (Not bad for a skinny thing) But I wish that it was Paul Rudd (Yeah Paul Rudd) Paul Rudd I wish that it was Paul Rudd In Ant-Man he looked so good How old is he anyway? (Is he a hundred?) Is he a vampire? What’s his skincare regime (What’s his skincare regime?) He’s dirty that he’s clean? (He’s dirty that he’s clean?) Now the song is fading out Also, i think when we play it live i might talk about how i’m allowed to rip off other songs, because it’s like parody :)

Shawty’s approaching forty And standing all alone in the bar And I was like Do you wanna go and get naughty And do it in the back of my car (A Nissan Qashqai) She was the type of lady (Oh no) You’d see on an ad for matures in your area (Yeah-e-yeah) So I said “Dear, what you doing in here?” (Oh no-o-woah) She said “My husband recently died of malaria” And if you think that would have put me off (Put him off) Let me tell you, I was on a mission (He was on a mission) Cos I’m still alive and he’s just died (He’s just died) So really there’s no competition Yeah she’s… A widow I’d like to (A widow he’d like to) A widow I’d like to (A widow he’d like to) A widow I’d like to (Oh, put your hands up please for the recently bereaved) A widow I’d like to (What’s wrong inside you?) A widow I’d like to (Does death excite you?) A widow I’d like to (Oh no) She said her name was Laura And I was like, wow What a marvellous co-inky-dink That’s the name of my late wife The big C got her (She died in a shipwreck) And we could keep each other company (Oh no) And give each other sexy condolences (Yeah-e-yeah) And then we could live comfortably (Oh no-o-woah) Living off their life insurances And when they say that death becomes her (Death becomes her) What they mean is that (So slimming, so slimming, so slimming) My baby looks good in black And how’s the sex, I hear you wonder (Hear me wonder) Well let me tell you that Grief is such a powerful aphrodisiac (Grief is such a powerful aphrodisiac) And she even lets me put my finger in her butthole! Widow I’d like to (A widow he’d like to) A widow I’d like to (A widow he’d like to) A widow I’d like to (Yeah, she’ll be mourning him while he’s fingering her rim) A widow I’d like to (Try a finger or two) A widow I’d like to (It might surprise you) A widow I’d like to (Oh no) This is a song about the joys of anal sex Neatly wrapped up inside a song about spouse death Repeat ad nauseum

I got my lover coming round tonight We’re feeling sexy, we’re feeling alright, yeah After a movie and a bottle of wine We’re doing it in every hole, so Covered in sweat, I gotta get clean Fill up the bathtub, I’m big on hygiene, yeah Light up all the candles, cos I got a routine Got my bubblebath and wine, it’s an opulent scene… and... I dip myself into the heat I feel my troubles just slipping from me And then I feel like I gotta pee So there’s only one thing I can do I’m too lazy to go to the loo... Piss in the overflow When you’re in the bath And you need to go, oh Aim into the hole When you piss in the overflow x2 Fil, we don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about Overflows and piss, do you know how that sounds? When nature calls, there’s no need to get out Just lay back and then piss yourself Does every woman do that? Every woman I know It must be more hygienic pissing in the overflow Just shimmy up towards it and aim with your hose Drain the lizard dry, hope the pipes won’t corrode I can’t believe what I’m hearing That women everywhere are bathing in weak urine I guess it must be just a man thing So there’s only one thing left to do Just thank god, it’s not a number two Piss in the overflow When you’re in the bath And you need to go, oh Aim into the hole When you piss in the overflow X6